Three words: puerto rican gang bang
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
