my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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