Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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