I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
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Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
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do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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