i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
