im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
