i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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