@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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