haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
