The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
