just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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