awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
