somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
