My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's shark week go big or go home
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
