You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
