They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
