and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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