If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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