Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
