I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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