why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
