Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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