Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it's like iHOP with fire
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
