You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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