Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
