guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
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