laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
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you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
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So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize