His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
