at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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