It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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