The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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