My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
