Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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