I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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