I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
