You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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