Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
