I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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