I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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