meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?