Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
