I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
