you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
