I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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