im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
