he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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