I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
