her vagine was all disorganized.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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