I met the friendliest cop last night
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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