So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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