my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
